by our clinic’s Psychotherapist and Counsellor Katrina Heptonstall
It’s easy to live a day to day existence and forget to nurture our important roles in life as partner, husband, wife etc. Sometimes we need to stop and reflect on our relationships: are we listening to our partner as much as we could be? Do we feel listened to ourselves? Are we getting our own needs met? Are we criticising our loved ones a little too much?
Just as a garden needs regular watering and fertilising, so do our relationships.
Follow these guidelines to help your relationship-garden to grow and flourish:
o Listen wholeheartedly! How good does it feel to be heard and listened to? Take time to really hear what your partner has to say. Check-in with them and ask how their day was and ‘listen’ with your undivided attention.
o Give at least two compliments a day. Find something genuine that you appreciate about your partner and tell them. “That was really thoughtful of you to do x” “You’re really talented at y”. Pay attention to your partner’s positive qualities and outweigh the number of negative comments with positive ones!
o Devote time to your-self. Pursue any hobbies/interests; or connect with friends and family. When our focus is on other pleasurable areas of our lives, our awareness is less fixated on the negative qualities within the relationship. Not to mention feeling more nourished and happier having had some ‘me’-time.
o Keep your side of the street clean – in other words acknowledge your part in any conflict. Or acknowledge your mistakes and apologise. This tells our partner that “our relationship matters”. That they matter.
o Fulfill your commitments and promises – eg if you promised to be on time – be on time. Again fulfilling our commitments not only keeps our street clean, but shows our partner that we value them and respect them.
o Beware of mind-reading – communicate! Your partner may not actually know what you expect or want. This is where communication breakdown often happens… when we believe our partners “should know”. It’s our responsibility to clearly communicate our needs, desires, expectations, to ensure we’re all on the same page.
o Negotiate – your partner has needs, wants and desires too!
When you fertilise your relationship-garden by bringing in these principles, you’re on your way to creating a peaceful and harmonious environment; inviting your partner to reciprocate in a harmonious way.
If you’re struggling with any of these aspects, perhaps you might book a session with Katrina to gain, skills, support, and/or resolution.